14th October 2018

I love this time of year, the slowing down after, what always seems to me the fast paced summer months. Slowing down and getting ready to snuggle up ring the winter cold.

The leaf’s have started to turn as we get planning for 3 major feats in the coming months. But before we head over to them, I just want to stop for a moment and remember a feast that has already passed us this year. Round about the Harvest Moon (equinox time) farmers and gardeners throughout the land gathered to give thanks for a successful harvest. It’s well known that the UK can not support its self on the food that we grow, we have to import much of our food. A small little fact that was used against us during the War’s. But how many of us these days stop and thank mother earth for providing for us? It’s worth a thought and one that we really ought to encourage in the modern world. Nower days because so many of us no longer work the land, we’ve moved away from this important festival. Once it would have made sense when your life depended on a successful harvest. Now, as long as Sainsburys doesn’t run out of fresh veg and 6 packs of Alcohol, it doesn’t really matter to much. But I would encourage you to stop and have a thought for those that still work the land for us and provide food for our families. And to the Goddess for blessing the crops.

Anyway back to it, I always feel my most powerful during October / November time. As the thinning of the vale between the worlds of Spirit and out own plane starts to take place. If we take a moment out of our day we can start to feel the energys starting to leak through to us. The early morning mist’s that give the world a simmering other worldly feel, a glorious air of mystery and magic, where you can expect to meet all kinds of creatures and things of wonder, if you just open to the magic of the session. The evening sunset’s of wonderful red and orange that hug the evening sky in warm and a magical glow that you’ll find hard to find on the middle of a busy summer.

The harvest is safely gathered in and stored. Bunches of Herbs are drying in the roof timbers of shed’s and out houses up and down the land, an evening fire in the great welcomes everybody home as they come in from work. This is the time of year, of the great English mystic masters working there magic, brining us closer to the world of spirit. Who doesn’t feel the presence of Merlin if you walk around Salisbury plan in the sunset on a October day? You expect to see dragons sleeping on the hill tops and you can hear the great Oaks sigh and relax in the evening warmth before the long winter sleep.


Halloween falls on the 31st of this month. Pagans up and down the land will be celebrating with chalice and wine as they welcome the ancestors in for the feat of Samhain. Inviting them in and taking the place already laid for them at the feast table. Candles guide the Spirit’s home. Small fact – it’s where the Irish tradition of Jack O Lanterns comes from. Although they used Turnips not pumpkins. And it’s to stop the candle being blown out, rather than to ward of the evil spirits. That’s all down to our American friends.

The feast of All saints is on the 1st November. Why am I telling you this? Because it’s all linked. Halloween (the name not the feast) is taken from “All Hallows Eve” the night before All Saints. Traditional Christens will gather to give thanks for the example of the Saints. We should spare them a thought to, after all when the Book of Ascend Master’s was put together a lot of the Saints where included and we can take inspiration from there example. St Francis and his love and care of Animals. Benedict and his devotion to a holy life, Mother Thresa and her work with the poor. The examples are countless and should be taken note off. So on the 1st November we should honour all of the Ascended Masters and learn by there example to be better people of Spirit.

2nd November is the fest of All Soul’s I’m just mentioning this as it’s when the Christens honour those who have gone before. But it was typical of the early church to take a Pagan festival, hold it round about the same time, and rename it for there own purpose. So ok it was an idea nicked from Samhain, but it’s still there. And anyway in the Hedgewitch tradition you get 3 nights for each Festival so we can celebrate all 3!

So enjoy this magical and mysterious time of year. Spend time with family and friends who have already crossed over the great divide and give thanks for there inspiration and the joy they brought in to your life. Acknowledge the Masters and there contribution to your own path. Seek out the natural beauty and peace of this time of year and be still for a moment and let the energies take you to a better state of mind and know peace in your heart.

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6th October 2018

Reflections on Chit Chat Group


If you’ve never been to our Chit Chat group (1st Monday of the month) I thought I’d give a little reflection on this months gathering

As usual there was a wide range of abilities and people at group this month. From one person just starting out on their Spiritual path, two new Reiki Practitioners and a Psychic-in-development. And me. Most of the evening chatter was centred around healing and how the Reiki 2 atunements can open up your aura so that you can start to build up your Psychic awareness and learn how to develop it.

This was true for me, as it was the Reiki 2 that cracked open my higher chakras and allowed me to start using my Psychic energies to the full. Although I’ve never heard about that happening with other forms of Healing I would like to think that it’s not just the Reiki that does that.

One thing that Id not thought about before (because it didn’t happen to me like this) is how scary it can be hearing the voices of Spirit people/guides/angels can be for the first time. I freely admit that I never had a problem with it. I suppose I just accepted it for what it was. That I was hearing voices didn’t freak me out at all. But I understand that for some people it can be very scary. When we say that we hear voices, very few of us actually do hear “voices” , it’s very rare that a new Psychic will hear the actual voice (style, accent) of the Spirit person. What we hear is usually spoken in the same voice as your own internal monologue. The voice of your mind, if you like. It’s like having a thought, but it’s not your thought. And this is something that needs to be mindful off. In early readings it’s some time difficult to determine what comes from Spirit and what is generated by your own mind. Sometimes, in the middle of a reading the voice will stop and your own mind gives you something to fill in the gab. You do as you’ve been taught and give it out, you get a no from your sitter, which doesn’t help when your in early stages of development. What you need to do is let the energy flow and just ride though the gap. It’ll pick up again, just trust Spirit.

I think that I didn’t have a problem with hearing voices is because of the way that I work. Because I have to be able to “feel” the connection first. If I don’t “feel” it, then what I’m “hearing” can’t be from Spirit. I have to be able to “feel” the connection before I can go ahead with the reading.

One of the other subjects that we looked at was the subject of moving forward in faith. 4 of us in the group have come from formal religious back grounds. 3 Catholic and 1 Church of England. We decided that it was important to acknowledge where you came from. You don’t need to dump the Faith, but you do need to look again at the “religion” of it. Faith, is after all, your personal connection to the Divine and it’s that which you are developing. What your dumping is the teaching that you’ve had. But it’s still important to acknowledge it. It times of spiritual stress it can help. I still say the Office of Compline every now and again. To acknowledge where you came from can help to ground you when you get Spiritual over load. It’s useful to look where you started from and to see how far you have come. So if it feels right, then go to Mass, read your bible and give thanks for the start you had.

We talked about how to channel Reiki energy as well. It came about because an experienced healer will just allow the energy to flow, you can almost do it on Autopilot. This allows us to read the energy of the client, and give a mini reading at the end. This come from experience and practice. If your allowing the healing energy to flow and your intent is correct then it’ll do what it’s needs to do without a lot of input from you.

It was a very enjoyable evening, full of love and being with like minded people talking about connections to Spirit and Energy work. I’d recommend anyone who works with Spirit in anyway to come along some time and enjoy being in the energy. We’re always happy to help you work out any problems you might be having with your work, talk in confidence about any problems you might be having with clients and just sharing that special energy you get by being with people of Spirit.

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Sunday 30th September 2018


A very good morning to you all on the last Sunday of September. Yesterday was Michaelmas, the Christian feast of St Michael and All Angles. Over the last couple of years the Angels seem to have fallen out of favour as we chase new connections and new ways of expressing our connections to the Spiritual realms. Dragons are the in thing, and as we all get used to having these fearsome beast’s working with us, I tend to think it’s a shame that sometimes we forget about some of the most powerful connections already open to us. Kyle Gray, bless him, is still banging the drum for the Angels and I still work with them for protection. Michael is my go to guy when ever I am refreshing the protection around my room. And the Parking angels still work for me when ever I remember to ask them to make sure there will be a parking space I can get in to when I reach my destination. Thing is, just like the dragons, the angels have been with us since the start of time so they don’t mind that we are fickle beings and jump from one to the other. In a couple of years times they will come to the for front of our thought’s again, so I guess it doesn’t really matter to them. There are still those of us that remember them and work with them.

I think part of the way I’m feeling about this is because the world changes. And for those of us lucky enough to be born under the Moon and are true to the bone Cancerians, change is always hard to deal with. And it’s not so much the change that makes us feel uneasy. It’s because we’ve only just got our heads around the last new thing and started to feel comfortable with it, then all of a sudden it all changes again and that’s the hard thing. We’re just sure of our footing and what is happening around us and it’s all change. Joys of being born under the Moon.

The only change we like are the ones we start ourselves. Even then it can be hard to deal with. What we thought was a good idea turns out to be a total dump thing to do in the end. I’m vey guilty of that.

But change is good as it gives us a chance to learn, whether it all works out or not. Even the bad things are a chance to learn that we shouldn’t do that again. And if it works then you can feel that warm smug feeling of being right for once.

But anyway, going back to the theme of the day, as our world changes and we move on and learn more things, there are still things that don’t change and are always there when we need them. And the Angelic Host if one of them. Never forget that in your company of Spiritual beings that are with you on your journey though this life time, your Guardian Angel is always with you. Just the same as your Guides, your dragons and your family in Spirit. So spare them a thought every now and again and thank them for the work they are doing with you, even if you don’t always feel them or hear them.

This time between the Equinox and the Winter Solstice is all going to be about planning for me. There are plans in the pipeline that need to be worked on so that they bear fruit in the new year. As a lot of you now Rachal and myself are opening up a open development group. We’ve started to put together a programme of talks and demo’s so that we can help other people learn how to connect in to Spirit and make the most of the Psychic gifts they have. I’m very pleased with the way this is shaping up and I’m really looking forward to offering it out. I know the change of venue may be a problem for some people, but we feel that the Warren Centre offers us a better space and energy to be able to work with people in the early stages of development. And the parking is better.

I also have a couple of personal projects that need a bit of work, one of them is changing the way I blog. Trying to make a better use of the tech at my disposal and trying out new things. More to come on that as I work things out and have a few practice runs but I’m hope that it will help other people as they start on their own Psychic journeys. It should all link in with Development group and the work that we are planning for next year. I know it seems that Development groups seem to be in the “in” thing at the moment with our good friend Magenta Catz also starting up one in Southampton as well. But we are, all of us, working together but independently to give people the best chance to start on their journeys, take the next step if your ready to move forward. So that you can chose who you like to work with and who can help you where you are right now in this moment.

So with the help of the Angels we can all take on the challenge of change and work with an open heart and mind.

Love and light


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Totaly random ramblings 18th April 2018 Finding a Spiritual Home.

At chit chat group this month we had a great discussion on moving around different types of religion, or in some case’s like my own, moving around the different traditions in one religion.   All we’re really doing is looking for Home, or learning what we can to add to our own experience.

Rabbi Blue (If you don’t know him google him.  One of the best spiritual writes I know)

did the same thing for a while as well, until he got back to that section of Judaism that he found home.  I think to be honest for some of us  its looking for some thing with rules that we can follow.  we need the structure.  Something to guide us, something to hold on to for support for a while

And I can relate to that.  Some times I need to follow the rules for a while, I guess it’s why Ive ended up back in the monastery’s at times.  Rules to follow, safety and peace, knowing what I’m doing all the time. 

There is nothing wrong in following the rules for a while if it brings you peace of mind and a upliftment in your spiritual life.  The problem is when you start to force those rules on other people.   Never forget it’s your spiritual journey and it’s personal to you. 

Of course the problem with following a personal spiritual journey is there are no rules to follow, other then the ones you put in to place.  The Wiccans are encouraged to write there own personal Reed – Wiccan rule – where they write down and follow their own personal code.  It can include just about anything from following a vegan life style to supporting local business and not the multi nationals.  It’s what ever works for you.  Im sure I’ve written this all before somewhere.

I’ve been reminded recently that it’s more important to have a faith, then a set of rules to restrict you.   My faith in Spirit, The Goddess and the eternal life of our soul’s hasn’t really changed that much in the last 8 years or so.   I’ve always believed in ever lasting life and when the Goddess appeared to me on one of my first proper meditations I’ve done my best to follow where she has pointed.   Spirit, the source of my energy and my ability, that understanding just keeps growing. 

I think I said in group that the best way to grow is to keep questioning things.  Further your understanding.  If something if proving hard to understand then you have to take it for a long walk on a deserted beech and keep plugging away at it until you reach an understanding.  You’ll either get to know each other really well, understand each other and work it in to your life.  Or you’ll decided that it’s not for you and drop it out of your life. 

I don’t understand anything past the basic 7 chakra system, I’ve read about the others, know what some are called and can properly point to where they should be, but it just doesn’t work for me.  The basin 7 is all I need to understand to be able to to the things that Spirit and the Goddess what me to do at this time.  I don’t understand decisions either, it’s making things over complicated for my simple head so I don’t worry about it.  I’m still able to do readings, I still meditate when I can, I still get message’s through so it works for me.  I don’t think I need to know what comes form the 7th or the 6th.  Wonderful for those that do understand, but it’s not for me.   Which is totally fine.  I know when I’ve got a connection to something not good, a lower energy or something really nasty and I know how to contain it and keep it from doing me harm.  That’s all you really need to know.

Finding your spiritual home can find you in a convant, in a SNU Church, in the middle of a wood, sky clad and dancing around a fire.  It’s what ever is right for you, when your soul and mind are at peace and you feel that your home.

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Its been a while!


should post more!  I can come up with the usual excuses of why I haven’t but the truth is I tend to forget.   Anyway that is something that I intend to change.   I’m going to be changing the way I blog.   Rather then keeping it to strictly to the spiritual I’m going to open it up a little and include thoughts from my life and work and the way that I see things. 

Since the heart attack I’ve been going through a bit of a change.  They say that things like that are life changing and I can confirm that they are!  Although I have made some positive steps – I’m eating (well for most of the time) properly, I’ve stop smoking and I’ve lost 5 stone in weight.  I’m now wearing things labelled with an M not XXL

But in may ways I’ve stepped back in to myself more then perhaps I ever have done before.  Not always a bad thing and I’ve always been happy with my own company, so I don’t see it to much as an issue.  I like being on my own.  I dis-like being with people that I don’t know or that I don’t get on with or agree with there out look on life.  Being Spiritually minded makes it hard some times to mix with people that are money centred and are more try to out do each other with their latest gadget’s or new car or that big of bling they have put on the credit card this month.  If anything I tend to stay out of there way.  It’s just easier.   It keeps my blood pressure down and I don’t have to sit and inwardly fume at their bull shit. 

Someone in the family recently committed that I’m a quiet person – I’m really not.   But as my Nan used to say, if you’ve got nothing good to say, say nothing.  Which coming from here was really the pot calling the kettle black!  She never was short of coming forward when she felt the need.  So the reason I seem quiet usually means I’ve got nothing good to say about the amount of crap coming out of your mouth. 

Kylie Grey recently in his raising your vibrations marathon of video’s, was all for speaking your truth and opening your mouth and saying what you need to say.   I’m all for that but there are times and places.   Also I have in mind casting your pearls before swine.   What’s the point of saying things that aren’t going to be taken in the way they are meant.  I think you have to pick your audience carefully.  Or you could find yourself kipping under the railway bridge.   

But to get my truth out there a bit more I’m going to try and blog more.   And you lovely people can read what I put up.   Some of you will know that I rarely read or publish the comment’s people put my blogs.  Most of them seem to be to improve my cock size, don’t need it thank you and I’m sure if you google enough you’ll find the pics, or trying to sell little blue tablets to keep things “up”.  Again I don’t need it right at this moment, despite the best efforts of the blood pressure meds I’m on. 

What I will be posting is honest, not much filtered thoughts of the way I see things.   And by not much filtered I mean the language used might be not what you would expect from a “spiritual” person.   Tough, get used to it.  Its’ the way I express myself.

Also now that I’m back at work, it’s limiting me a little in the things I can get to.  Not at weekends, but in the evenings.  I start work at 0730 so have to be in bed by 2130 on a school night to make sure that I get enough sleep to keep the heart rate down and my stress level under control.  So don’t be surprised if I don’t answer evenings message’s till the next day.  It’s not that I’m ignoring people, it’s just that sleep is more important these days. 

Hope to be posting more in the coming days and I’ll try to keep the wondering thoughts under a bit of control. 

Love and light


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This morning I want to look at some of the Terminology we use when we talk about Spirit.   I’ll freely admit its one of the things that does bring out my OCD, even more so when I read the latest book or blogg from one of the currant “top” guys who clearly doesn’t know the difference between Spiritualist and Spirituality.   Does it really matter?  Well yes because it confuses people who are starting out on there paths.   When you start to navigate through the joy of Spirituality it’s easy to lose you way when people don’t use the words that they mean to use to talk about the things they want to teach out.    Get it?   

We are long past the point of the Catholic priest being the only person in the village who is educated and who holds all the power , knowledge and wisdom.  So lets get some of the basics clear from the get go.

All definitions are taken from the Oxford Living Dictionary on live edition.

Spirituality : The quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things

Spiritual: relating to or affecting the human Spirit or Soul as opposed to material or physical things

Spiritualist: a person who believes that the spirits of the dead can communicate with living people.

Faith: a strong belief.  A complete trust or confidence in someone or something.  Strong belief based on Spiritual conviction rather then proof

Religion: a particular system of faith and worship. 
As you can see Spirituality and Spiritualist are two very different subjects.  Both full of joys and wonders that are just waiting to be discovered.  They are as separate as faith and religion.   Being raised as a good Anglican it took me mean years, inculdeing my time in the monastery, to separate faith and religion.  It wasn’t till I left the church behind as a whole that I truly understood that you don’t need the religion part of it at all.  A true faith is yours and yours alone.  However I’m now discovering that having some sort of religious practice isn’t a bad thing and indeed helps out in tough times, more on that subject to come on other blogs.  
Spirituality is the acceptance of a greater being, something bigger then yourself, and trying to work out how that works in the way you live your life.   I don’t particular mind what or who you believe in, as long as you take the things you have learned and put them in to practice in your daily lives.   I greatly admire the way the Wiccans have, for centuries, quietly got on with it and let the rest of us get bogged down in mud fights about who’s God is better and who’s way of worship is the correct way.

I dont mind if your things is fairy’s or dragons, Goddes worship or Candle Magic.  If your in to Anaimal guides and Spiritual Guides then that is truly wonderful.   As long as it challenges you to become a better person and treat other people in a kind and Spiritual way then we’ll get on.  What I do mind about is when the ego start’s to kick in and you say your way is the only way.   Or when being up on platform gives your such an ego boost because you have a group of people hanging on to your every word that your forget that your up their to be the Meduim between them and Spirit world.   You’ll be surprised at the amount of mediums who’s ego’s are bigger then Montana.     

I personally think that modern Spiritualist’s are missing serveral things in the way we express our belief and who we happily ignore the spiritual teachings brought to us be some of the more understanding mystics and mediums.   We are lucky that we don’t have a set sacred text to work from and are free to pick and chose from all the traditions to make our own personal Spirituality and faith.   It’s a joy and a curse.   But finding your own way is part of your soul progress and it’s one of the better ways of doing it rather than sitting and learning by rota parts of a sacred text and not really understanding what your learning.  

So why does it matter that you understand the difference?  Surely it all means the same thing.     Well yes and no is the only answer to that one.  It does all get lumped together and I would strongly advise those starting out on working for spirit to embrace and learn the Spiritual side of things.   It’ll keep your ego in check and you’ll continue to work for the right reasons rather then for notoriety, monetary and ego reasons.   You’ll continue to work for Spirit as Spirit intended and your work will improve and move forward rather then stay stagnant and eventually it’ll be taken away from you.   

So it does matter.   

Ive properly sat on my soap box for far to long this morning and it’s time to get off and pull the splinters out of my bum.  I hope this little rant will help some of you on your first steps.

Love and light


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David Palmer FPC

The history of Civil Celebrancy in the modern age began in Australia 1973 under an initiative be Attorney-General Lionel Murpahy.  It was driven by a recognition that the existing system was not providing dignity, choice, or a spiritual experience for many citizens.  At the time the option was eaither a religious or a civil ceremony designed to cover the required legal formalities. For many two either chose not to have a religious ceremony or were not allowed, the civil ceremony left unmet their need for a spiritual element.

Though out history people have turned to Celebrants of one form or another to help mark the rites of life and to help express love, loss, happiness and new beginnings.    From the Druid tradition of the old path right up to the modern Civil Celebrants we have been witness to moments of pure happiness and the rawnest pain of losing a loved one.

It was a role largely taken over by the Priests of Christianity in the west but now we have the option of choseing a different way of marking the mile stones in your life.   With the revival of the Pagon Traditions people are looking again at how they Mark events.   Hand Fasting is becoming increasingly popular as well as naming ceremonies instead of the Christian service of Baptism.

As a Civil Celebrant I would be offering services to suit your traditions and needs.  I also offer out some of the “extra” services offered by some Psychics and Mediums.   

But why would you want to chose a service to mark an event.    Spiritualism offers a non traditional option but with the element of Spiritual that some people still feel is important.   From Naming to Celebration of life services to some of us its important to still have an acknowledgment to the Higher Spiritual Powers of the Universe.  With my 6 years experience working with Spirit giving readings and leading Spiritual Church Divine services with my qualifcations in Civil Celebrancy and my own more traditional service training I can offer you just about any type of service you would want.   

Hand Fasting, commitment ceremony 

Baby Naming

Leaning home blessing

New House cleansing and blessing

Sacred Space blessing

Celebrantion of life service

I’d be happy to put together anytime of service that you feel is right.   

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Life after the heart attack

I’ve been wanting to put up something for a while but haven’t had the words to but down on paper.  

At the moment, and I’m at 2 and a bit months after the main event, the one thing that is still with me is how scary the whole thing has been.  I didn’t have classic symptoms so it wasn’t until the paramedics got to me and said I was having a heart attack that I really realised what was going on.  The only classic symptom I had was a pain in my upper arm that got worse each time they took my blood pressure.  Other then that it was extreme shortness of breath and what I thought was really bad indigestion pain.  

I don’t really remember much of the what happened after the ambulance crew turned up and took over.  At the point I must say that I am extremely greatful that my Mum found me and had called 999.  I was still mid attack when the ambulance turned up.  I remember being shelled out to the ambulance on one of those chair things and thinking that the tailift in to the rig was cool and I wouldn’t mind another go on that.   I remember the guy who was with me trying to get a cannula in to my arm and giving up and him giving me a spray of Glyceryl Trinitrate – GT spray, which is one of the things they arm you with when they chuck you out of the Cardac Care Unit.  Thankfully I’ve never had to use mine since as it tastes foul.  

I do remember trying to work out where I was on the drive to the hospital.  I know we went round the M4 Junction 11 roundabout but apart from that I couldn’t really work out where we where on the way to Royal Berkshire Hospital.  

I remember being wheeled in to the ccu and in to the cardiac lab.  Because your on an ambulance trolley your on a body board and I know I said “weeeee” as they tipped me off the trolley on to the hospital bed in the cardiac lab.  The cardiologist who did the emergency angioplasty chuckled as I slide on the body board going “weeeee” like a 5 year old.  

I don’t remember much of the angioplasty, I know Dr Nicos said the usaual “you’ll feel a tiny scratch” thing as he injected the local anaesthetic in to my right wrist so that he could insert the catheter in to the artery.  I don’t really remember much more of it to be honest.  I worked out the robotic looking arm going round and in to positions over my chest was the x ray machine they use to see which arteries are blocked.  I don’t remember the stents going in eather.  I know I arrested twice in the lab and they had to jump start me twice.   I’ve since worked out it was when they where doing the pressure test…..they chemically induce a controlled pressure on the heart to see how the blood is flowing in your arterys.   My heart at this point said no thanks no playing and stopped.   I think I was unconscious at this stage as I don’t remember being jump started.  I do remember that they had to give me another jolt to get my heart back in to rhyme again.  I know this because they did it as I was coming round and I felt the shock go through my body.  Ever been hit round the head with a metal baseball bat.   It’s worse then that.

I think Dr. Nicos decided that I had had enough by then so he didn’t do the 90% blockage on the left side of my heart.  I was wheeled back on to the ward.  By then I was back with it a little more. Feeling very drained and total wiped out.  I was a little high from the light sedative they had given me during the angioplasty and I was hocked up to a ECG machine and a drip of blood thinners.  

I do not like hospitals at the best of times, they are too hot and too impersonal for me and my stay on the CCU ward was not a good one.  I wasn’t allowed out of bed for two days and peeing in to a paper machete bottle isn’t fun.  I guess as the empath start to take over I was also picking up on the fear and anxiety of the other people in the ward.  I was happier when they left the curtains closed and I couldn’t see what was going on.  The lady in the bed next door was one of those types that was making it clear she was in pain for the whole ward to know about and the lady opposite was also a dementia case, bless her and she really didn’t have clue what was going on or where she was.  I was very sore in my chest and still feeling very wiped out by the next morning.  I hadn’t slept much because of the soreness in my chest and the moaning of her next door

On the second night I was moved to a quieter part of the ward, by this time I had been hocked up to a mobile heart monitor and as long as I didn’t move to far from my bed area I could sit up and at least go to the loo on my own.   But by the second evening my own anxiety level had broke and I desperately need to get some fresh air.  I had my first melt down and one of the nurses took pity on my and accompanied me out side so I could get some air and have a fag.  I was extremely lucky that one of my work colleagues who had brought her daughter into AnE after a bump on the head was walking past at the time and I had another melt down on her shoulder.   It had all gotten much for me.  The soreness in my chest was incredible and I was hating every moment on the ward and I just wanted to go home.  

The old girl opposite me this time was a game old bird.  She was as nice and polite to the nursing staff, almost a modal patent, but as soon as her family turned up she gave them hell.  Clearly making up for them not visiting or dumping her in an old folks home.  

By the 3rd morning I really wasn’t coping with being in hospital and when the Doctors came round that morning and said th wanted me another night to run a test in the morning because it was a bank holiday and they wasn’t anyone available to run the test.  I lost it and asked for the papers so I could discharge myself.  I couldn’t stand another night on the ward.  I just wanted to go home and sleep and rest in my own bed.  They advised against it and the doctor somewhat snottaly said “well where not a prison”  but I was sore and tiered and really couldn’t cope with another night of being in a hot house with things that bleep and buzz and being woken up every 4 hrs to have my blood pressure taken.   I was not in a good place and I just needed to get home.  

So I discharged myself, came home and slept for 8 hrs as soon as I got in.  

They don’t tell you a lot when you leave hospital.  Just a booklet on what to do and advice on how to use your GT spray.  And a bag with your drugs in.   I’ve learnt a lot more from the NHS web site and the British Heart Foundation site has been a God send.  So I was let go with my advice booklet, my bag of drugs and a report on what they had done and what appointments etc I should need and a sick note for 6 weeks.

This is where the fun really starts.   No one tells you about the soreness in your chest, the loss of confidence, the emotional toll the whole thing has on you. As well as trying to make sense of what your body is telling you.  How your jump at every little missed heart beat every new bit of soreness, how you panic at every side effect of the beta blockers and blood thinners.  How easy it is to over do things in the first couple of weeks.  What angina pain is and what it isn’t.  Turns out most of mine was artery spasms not angina.  Your not told any of this.  And I fell for the lot at some stage.  I didn’t work out what where side effects till I read the leaflets in the boxes of tablets.  Bleeding gums are a side effect of the platelet tablets, muscle pain is the beta blockers.  You get paranoid about your heart rate and how fast your pulse is.  Tintenitus is also a side effect.  I couldn’t lay on my left hand side for the first 2 months and I had always slept on my left since my teenage years.  My pulse would feel like an express train.  It wasn’t till i splashed out for a blood pressure cuff and started checking my own that I started to stop jumping at every little twinge and new pain.  Mum brought me a fit bit for my birthday so I know my heart rate is usually well with in “normal” 

One thing I have learnt is that time is the only thing you can use.  It takes time for the heart to heal after a heart attack and I’m talking months not 6 weeks.  The biggest problems I’ve had is with my mental well being.   I’m not scared of passing over, as long as it’s quick and relatively painless.  I’m more then happy to go when spirit calls me.  

The biggest mental health problem has been the loss of confidence.   When I first came it of hospital I followed the sdvice in my booklet and started off slowly and built up the walking and all was going well.  Till I decided to drive down to Winchester.  It was scary because one of the biggest things to deal with is what if it happens again when I’m driving or even worse if I’m on my own.

Being on your own when you have heart condition is extremely scary.  I was in no fit state to call 999 during my heart attack and if mum hadn’t have found me I would have died on the bathroom floor.  So my worry about being left on my own was very real.  I wish I could but in to words how scary it is.  I have no other experience to relate it to.  A 44 year old guy and I’m still weary of being on my own for any length of time. 

That night after the drive down to Winchester I had a very big artery spasm.  It only lasted half an hour but they are extremely scary when they are happening.  Your heart pounds like it’s trying to come through your chest.  You get chest pain like an angina attack.  You really can’t do anything other then ride it through.  Afterwards your so relieved that it’s over and you didn’t have to call 999 or reach for your GT spray.  But they leave you total drained, physically and emotionally.  They are horrible things to go through and all your good for is to sit and cry.

Once I’d put it together in my head that these attacks happened when I over did things, another one a couple of weeks later when I was having a really good day and was feeling good so decided to cut the grass that night I was again laid out with a spasm, I decided to scale back the activity I was doing.  I needed to rest and re group.  

I discovered the basic mindfulness meditation technique.  Which has proved to be a life saver at times of stress and anxiety.  I would really recommend that every one gets to know this basic tool and it is an enormous help.  It’s shaved my heart rate on lots of occasions since.  

Things do get better over time.  But it is very slow progress and I think I’m only about 50% along that path at the moment.  I am back at work now, although on restricted hours.  I can comfortable drive short local distances.  But I still don’t like being left in my own for long periods of time.  Although I did manage to get through a week of being on my own, and that was extremely tough.  I am walking every day, although only about 15 minutes, not the 30 that is recommended for this stage in my recovery. 

As soon as I came out of hospital I changed my diet.  It’s an easy fix and I’ve dropped over processed foods, red meat and I try to keep the fat low.  I’ve lost 2 stone in weight since the heart attack.  I’ve also stopped smoking.   That was one of those moments.  I’d gone out for my morning fag about two weeks after my heart attack.  Got half way through it and thought, I don’t want to do this anymore and I’ve not had a cigarette since.   Although I am now vapeing full time.  Which the doctors seem happy for me to do.  

I recently had to go back in to hospital for another angiogram.   This was to put a stent in to the 90% blockage that was left from the emergency angioplasty.   Once the cardiologist had me on the table and the x ray machine was swinging away doing it’s thing and the wire had been passed up arm to my heart.  It was found that I had a good blood flow in the blockage area and it was decided that i didn’t need the 3rd stent.  It could be managed with drugs and carrying on with the lifestyle changes I had already made.  

Should all be good news and it is but I had 3 melt downs that day.  First one was when i was admitted, 2nd one when i was on the table waiting for them to start and 3rd one once i was back on the ward.   

I had two when i went back to work after the angiogram as well.   Although my physical health is improving my mental health hasn’t.  If anything it’s getting worse but i have confidence that it will improve over time.   Or I hope it will any way.  But i dont think that will happen till the hospital have finished with me and I’m back to being able to lead a life like my old one minus the body fat and cigarettes.   It is happening but it is very slow progress.

I’ve decided to post this as a update and to try and make some sense of my situation at this moment in time.  I am extremely grateful to my mum for calling 999 and for my friend Racheal in coming to see me and giving me tons of support.  Also to work for being very understanding and to my friend Beth who has helped out with her medical knowledge and has kept a carefull eye on me.  

There have been positives to come out of this.  Sam at the hospital when i had my first melt down.  Finding Mindfulness Meditation.  Losing weight and stopping smoking.  It has been very hard going and a heat attack is a life changing event and I know i am a lot better off then lots of other people who have suffered one.  My own father and father – in -law have both suffered from them and i am in a much better position at this stage then they where and for that I am very grateful.  

If you know someone who has recently had a heart attack i would encourage you to go and see them.  Sending out healing is a wonderful thing we can do, but a visit is just as important.  Even more so if they live alone, as that is very scary when you can’t trust your own heart not to misbehave.   

I wish i had some awe inspiring spiritual message other then make sure that you look after your body and mental and emotional well being.   It is true we leave these body’s on this side when we pass over but we have to look after them as well.  Also manage your stress level as well.   Don’t spend to much time at work, it doesn’t love you back.    Make sure you look after your friendships, you’ll never know when you’ll need a freindly face.  

I think Jerry Springer had it dead on when he says “Look after yourselves, and each other”

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Spirituality in Spiritualism 

Spirituality is a broad subject and is hard to pin down in these modern times. Simply put it is the systems used to express an inner faith. Christian Spirituality can be expressed in Bible Study, attending church, living the Gospel message in your daily life.  

I suspect that the Wiccans and Druids, because they live their faith path in a day to day way, would say it’s the way you live the faith, followed by study – the opposite way of the Christian’s. 

I’m currently reading “Monk’s Habits for Everyday people: Benedictine Spirituality for Protestants” by Dennis L. Okholm. A perfect example of how St Benedictus Rule can be applied to the day to day lives of ordinary people. 
It’s got me thinking. At the moment I sense a deep need in the Spiritualist Community for something more. We’ve done what the Spiritualist National Union (SNU) set out to do. We’ve proved the existence of the Spirit world. We’ve proved that life carriers on after Death, that our Souls move back to Spirit world and communication with them is possible. 
Because we believe that each person’s path is there own to walk we don’t have a set of sacred texts to pour over. We don’t have a Bible. We are free to follow path’s already set by other people. Native American being a favourite, Which is an absolute freedom of the Spiritualist Movement. We are free to follow what works for us. I have total respect for those who wish to follow a Native American path – although please keep your drum banging to an acceptable level – Some follow a Buddhist path, others a more earth based system like the Wiccans. It’s all wonderful and adds to the richness of our Spiritual Journey.     
My own Spiritual path, in this life and in past life’s has always turned more towards the Monastic. As far I as I know I trooped though the dessert with Moses, I spent a little time on a Roman Naval Ship, I was with St Adian in the North of England when he first came over from Ireland. I spent time in, what is now Durham Cathedral round about the time they finished building St Cuthberts Tomb. In this life I spent 3 years with the Society of the Sacred Mission as a Novice Religious.  

The quietness of the Monastic house, applies to me, the chance to spend time contemplating life, the Universe and Everything is a gift I now wish I took more advantage off when I had the chance.

The draw back of not having any set rules is that people take advantage of that. The amount of “New age” belief systems available on the market is outstanding. Each claiming to be channeled through the highest source. 10 days with arch angle Micheal, Arch Angel Healing power, lean how to channel the highest healing power etc etc. Most of which come with a price tag. As a rule of thumb if the course attached to the system is more then £100 or the reading list included books only by the course leader then someone has a bigger eye on the bank balance then on the Greater Good of the earth and the people on it.  
Over the coming months I hope to be able to share some of my Spirituality and how the great traditions of the Monastic fathers and the opportunities they offer can be used to help inform and guide you on your path way as they have mine. And i hope it will shed a bit of light on to the Spirituality of the Modern Spiritualist movement.  
I hope by making public some of the Spiritual Battles I have fought and giving voice to my beliefs it might give someone a helping step along there path.   
From the SNU Web Site

It is through personal interpretation and understanding of any spiritual philosophy and how it is expressed by the living it that shapes the individual spirituality and guides their decisions in how they chose to interact with everyone and everything of the material and non-material worlds. 

It is by applying personal philosophy in all compartments of day to day living and by progressing and learning through life’s experiences that Spiritualism becomes a living personal philosophy. 

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Passionate people

Passionate people
Recently I’ve been told, not for the first time, not to be so emotional. Both times it’s been in the context of “business”, well people I’ve worked for. The latest one from an ex Navy officer, who has had a lot of re-enters problems coming back to Civilian life.  
My point on this, it’s emotional people, passionate people that get things changed in this world. It’s passionate people, people that feel emotional reactions to things that get things done. 
At the grass roots level it’s the passionate people that organise rally’s, and meetings, write to MP’s, sort out funding drives, the list goes on.   
Do you think that if these people didn’t have an emotional response to their subject that these things would get done?   
No is the answer to that. Some one has to have an emotional response to Ethiopian children starving, someone has to have an emotional response to animal abuse, child abuse, anything that people care about enough to try and change. 
I don’t think that being emotional about a subject is out of line. It’s the un-emotional response that worry me. Some people appease there lack of response by opening up there wallet and giving to charity’s. It’s a good cause and I ought to care about it but i don’t care enough to do anything about it, here’s a fiver.
In the context of business, it’s the passionate people that start up small businesses, that take an idea and run with it. That have a emotional response, it takes a belief to do a start up. A belief and that means an emotional response.   
It’s once that business becomes bigger then the original idea and is over taken by the aggressive profit makers that it becomes soulless and unresponsive. That’s when people become payroll numbers and a resource to be managed. Rather then sentient beings with feelings and needs.  More power to the emotional responders is what I say.   

I think it’s an act of an person not being true them selves, not reaching in to their own understanding to be able acknowledge the passion in some one else. Telling them not to be so emotional is a sign that they can not handle people who are open to there own feelings. It’s a sign of someone who has trouble reconciling there own feelings. It is a sign of someone that needs healing, who needs to help to untangle the things that they have been taught.  
In this modern world the emotional has a bigger place, most have a bigger place, otherwise how do we know what is wrong and what is right? There are no hard and fast rules anymore. Gay’s can get married, black can marry white, compare owners can be taken to law over deaths caused by their company’s. Slavery is seen, very rightly, as an abomination. The world is changing, constantly, and it’s the emotional responders that bring to our attention the things that are right and those that are wrong. 
It is the job of the emotional responders to take on the bean counters and the emotionally dead and bring the balance back to this world.  
It’s emotional responders that bring the beauty in to this world.  The creative spark is an emotional response.   

There is nothing wrong in being an emotional responder. 

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